My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
