my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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