I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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