Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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