I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
