I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
