you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How naked do you want me to be?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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