I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
