Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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