you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
