he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
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You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
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I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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