Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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