I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
