fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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