So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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