You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize