I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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