I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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