She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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