never play flip cup with pint glasses
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
