A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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