he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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