What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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