this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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