if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
it's like iHOP with fire
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
