I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
