what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
