You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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