You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish you could order shots online.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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