i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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