You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
high people should be assigned attendants
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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