i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
