hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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