No stitches, just platelets and will power
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
