I am in a vortex of obligation.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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