Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I still have a little drunk in my system
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
