No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
