How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
