8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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