I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
