Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
