We need to rekindle our bromance
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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