My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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