This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
