if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
