i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
