Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
