He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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