i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
