be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
