The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
