I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
