I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
