hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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