i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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