I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
