Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
