life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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