They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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