I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I'm really busy with my period
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