Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
