It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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