I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
