So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm too high and old for this...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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