I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
